the human family paradox

The Human family is a paradox, for it is larger inside than out
G.K. Chesterton

I believe it is safe to say that the journey of humanity runs squarely through the township of family structure. There are many who have come before us and presented an image of the human journey that is “inward and upward.” During the course of our journal time together I will explore family themes, which lean more in the direction of “downward and outward”.

These two themes are held up in contrast and tension against one another because of their obvious diametrical nature. As I journey through the painful, shame filled and awkward pieces of my family system I have observed how those dynamics have empowered and dismembered me simultaneously.

What is it about the family system and its ability to be both life affirming and dream shattering? Why is it virtually impossible to find a family system that creates and recreates only the healthy elements? Is it because that system would then become the norm, spawning untold amounts of virtual replicas? The system usually does both at the same time, building us up and tearing us down with each breath. I wonder why this is. Are we doomed by the unfulfilled dreams of our generational predecessors? Is it the unrealistic expectations created by popular media culture? Or is it simply the sheer complexity of our human nature? Somehow, I believe it is the pure synthesis of all these, working against and within.

The very thought of the topic actually forces me to re-enter my own family systems. With age I have grown more comfortable with the journey of reflection but I think it really comes from simply submitting myself to the process more regularly. One of the joys of growing older - in a somewhat healthy manner - is being able to remember and almost relive the interwoven spoken and unspoken themes of ones family history with distance and perspective. My developmental journey is filled with dogmatic religious viewpoints and its violent clashes with the embryonic stages of my own world-view and desire to individuate.

My family history is one of grassroots community work. My parents both showcased their Christian beliefs by working with the people who were found on the underbelly of life. My father is a recently retired executive director of a prominent Christian drug and alcohol rehabilitation center, while my mother works with women who suffer in situations of domestic violence as well as other types of misogynistic abuse. The success of our family system is also seen in the career choices of my younger siblings who have chosen to be educated and work as musicians and artists in the area of social justice. It is safe to describe us as a family that feels compelled to work in areas of compassion ministry though I am the only sibling that professes Christianity as my faith foundation.

Though both of my siblings are committed to working and fighting for the equability of all people groups, this desire does not seem to stem from an overt Christian sensibility. They have been able to identify the obvious disconnect between what we as Christians proclaim as the core of our mission and the way in which we carry out that mission. This disconnect can also be traced to our upbringing. Though our parents practiced an enormous amount of incarnational methodology with those they served on a daily basis, we were not able to benefit from that belief system in the home. We instead were the recipients of their supremely dogmatic Pentecostal worldview and in retrospect were robbed of the genuine compassion they displayed to “those in need”. It is amazing for me to think back and recall two people who were so cutting edge outside the home and inflexibly old school inside it.

Another portion of the dogmatic mindset that dominated our home life was the unspoken law that “ministry” or “the Lord’s work” came first. Family gatherings of any sort were very rare because one of the parents was always scheduled to be “ministering” elsewhere in some capacity. Suffice to say this created a bit of resentment within our understanding of church ministry and God, though not necessarily towards the people who were the object our parent’s affection.

The most powerful and lasting influence on a young person’s life is the family of origin. No other system has a greater impact on the long-term development of their faith. The power of the family system increases rather than decreases with age .

When reviewing my family system, the above statement is probably the best explanation of how I have subconsciously and methodically reconstructed my present family system into a paradigm more to my liking. Just like my parents, I have worked within systems, which allowed me to directly impact the lives of families. And even though I have tried to run away from anything church related, I walked right into being a member of the clergy. My life seems to have taken a very familiar path.

So with all of the frustrating experiences this world has produced for us we have still decided to answer the call, maintaining that we have discerned The Spirit primarily active in the community and not chained inside the church building.

To that end, we have consciously attached the redemption of our family system to the simultaneous redemptive process within our own community. Meaning that we believe there is no way our family system can truly experience its complete redemption while those around us, living within the same community are left out to fend for themselves.

I often wonder about the drawbacks of this decision to journey towards communal redemption but I definitely have seen enough evidence to dissuade me from trying the traditional church method. We will simply take our chances.